


Things My Heart Used to Know (Things it Yearns to Remember)

by Romansleftshoulderpad



Series: We Could Be Immortals AU [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Christmas, Dreams vs. Reality, Gender Dysphoria, Other, Prophetic Dreams, Trip to the Emergency Room, Vomit Mention, asthma attack mention, kidnapping mention, mentioned sex, mild anxiety attack, off screen nsfw, remus mentioned, trans character gets outed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-24 17:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22161841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romansleftshoulderpad/pseuds/Romansleftshoulderpad
Summary: With the Holidays fast approaching, Patton is nervous to make a good impression around his new friends. But when he starts having vivid dreams of a past that isn’t his and a future he wants to prevent, all he has is Roman. How can he balance being a normal teenager while also being a superhuman prophet? #BuildingBridgesPartOne
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: We Could Be Immortals AU [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595107
Kudos: 28





	Things My Heart Used to Know (Things it Yearns to Remember)

There was a gentle chill in the air as Patton smiled, pulling his coat tighter around himself. The Christmas lights outside the local bookshop sparkled beautifully and holiday magic filled the air. The chorus began to sing.

“Hark how the bells- bark how the bells- sweet silver bells- sweet silver bells- All seem to say ‘Throw cares away!’”

Adorned with dress pants and black button-downs, it was the most formal he had ever seen the group. Remy and Roman smiled proudly as Narcissa took a small step forwards toward the audience. The rest of the chorus sang a gentle drone of bell sounds as she took a deep breath.

“Gaily they ring while people sing songs of good cheer! Christmas is here!” She stepped back into the crowd, hands shaking but smile and eyes bright with ecstasy. Remy took one hand off of his binder and tapped her hip, prompting her to do the same. He squeezed her hand with a proud smile. “Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas! Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!”

“On, on they send,” she sang.

“On without end,” Remy continued.

“Their joyful tone, to every home,” Roman added.

The chorus ended with a gentle, “Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong.”

Patton gave muffled claps through his mittens and muffled cheers through Emile’s scarf that covered his mouth. Narcissa gave a small wave as she and the rest of the chorus headed around the back of the building. Patton asked a muffled question.

“If you get spit on my scarf, Remy is going to fight you,” Emile teased. “Lord knows he likes stealing my clothes.”

“Sorry,” Patton said, pulling down the scarf. “Where are they going?”

“Probably to put away music,” Logan said.

“And they always have a small hype meet up after performances,” Virgil said. “It’s one of the small things I miss from it.”

They heard a squeal and turned to see Narcissa running towards them, the heel of her boots clicking against the sidewalk. She wore a full face of makeup and her black hair was tied back into a low ponytail. Roman and Remy were stuck a few steps behind her, laughing as they discussed something between themselves.

“I’m so happy to see you guys!” She yelled, throwing herself into Virgil’s arms and almost knocking the two of them over in the process. She extended her arms and pulled Patton and Emile into the awkward embrace.

“Why do they get all the love?” Remy teased, pulling Emile from the group and into his arms. “Give me my sunglasses, I need them.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “It’s eight o'clock at night, you _absolutely_ do not need them.”

“You think I do this for the sun?” Remy scoffed. “Bitch, please. Now, Em an’ M give me my glasses.”

Emile pressed a kiss to his cheek, slyly hiding them behind his back. “And why would I do that when I’m so in love with the sparkle in your eyes?”

“Oh fuck,” Remy said, leaning all of his weight back and forcing Emile to hold him steady. “It’s a one-hit K.O. Bury me in my good leather jacket and pour an iced coffee into my grave.”

Roman stole the glasses from Emile’s (weak) grip. “He doesn’t want anyone to see his eyeliner.”

“Oh, forget eyeliner, he doesn’t want anyone to see that he has human emotions,” Virgil argued.

“You’re both awful and I hate you,” Remy said, snatching his glasses back and putting them on. “Only Em an’ M gets to see these baby blues.”

“Your eyes are brown, dipshit,” Virgil said.

“Prove it, bitch.”

“Dear Lord, why do I deal with you all?” Narcissa asked in annoyance but anyone who looked on could see her fond smile. Anyone who had ever met her knew that Narcissa loved her boys.

“Because you _loooove ussss_ ,” Roman teased. “And you need me to do your brows.”

“My brows are fine when I do them.”

“Narcissa,” Logan spoke up, “as one of your closest friends I believe it is mutually beneficial for me to tell you that no, your brows are _not_ fine when you do them and that _yes,_ you desperately need Roman’s assistance.”

“I’ve officially decided that Patton is the only valid boy in this group and that all of you are terrible.”

“Hey!” Virgil and Emile yelled in offense.

She put one arm around Patton’s waist and picked him up like a football. “Nope, not true. Pure slander. Friendship ended with you bitches, now Patton is my best friend.”

“You can’t steal my best friend,” Emile said.

Narcissa dramatically turned 90 degrees on her heel and walked into the store while Patton awkwardly hung from her hip, scared of falling. “Watch me,” she sung as the door swung shut before her.

The other five boys laughed before running in after her, only to abruptly stop when all the store patrons glared them. They were resigned to hushed giggles between themselves. Roman caught Logan in a headlock and ruffled his hair as Virgil and Remy took pictures. When later asked about these photos, Remy would laugh and explain, “You never know when you’ll need blackmail. Especially for someone as stuck up as Hamilton.”

They all sort of floated off in separate directions, in that way bookworms always did when left alone in a bookshop. It was no surprise that Remy and Emile stayed together as they walked towards the cafe; yet, it was a shock to see that Roman and Logan never moved more than an inch away from each other.

They were also the last ones to meet the rest of the group at the cafe that sat inside the bookshop. Remy made a wolf whistle to see Roman with a red face and a hand clasped with Logan’s. “Not the power couple we expected, but the tea we deserve.”

“Remy, you remain to be my least favorite member of this group.”

Remy scoffed jokingly but was thankful for his sunglasses and how they hid the genuine hurt in his eyes. Emile intertwined their hands under the table and gave a comforting squeeze. “Yeah, fuck you too, Ham-Man.”

“Care to explain why your face is so red then?” Virgil teased, breaking off a piece of Patton’s muffin and popping it into his mouth.

“Because I get cold easily and we had to put something in my car.”

“Ooooh, condoms?”

“Logan, go get Virgil’s present out of my trunk, we’re returning it because _someone_ is an asshole.”

Virgil rolled his eyes and forced a smile. “ _Roooman_ , has anyone told you how handsome you look right now?”

“That’s not going to cut it,” Roman said, hoping no one noticed how his face had grown redder at the compliment.

Virgil batted his eyelashes and smiled in fake innocence. “I’ll suck your dick,” he purred, smirking as he traced his tongue over his lips. Patton let out a loud and obnoxious gag.

“Patton is my best friend now,” Remy announced through laughter.

“No way! He’s mine! Narcissa yelled back, holding Patton protectively.

“I had him first guys,” Emile stated.

“Logan,” Patton wheezed out, “help me.”

Logan looked down at Patton, almost contemplatively, but held no real emotion on his face. “No thank you.”

“In Logan’s eyes, you’re either Virgil or you’re dead meat,” Emile teased, failing to notice how Virgil was now the one blushing.

“Falsehood,” Logan said, “I care about Virgil and all you Non-Virgil’s equally.” He then mumbled a tiny, “Well, mostly,” under his breath.

“Anyway,” Narcissa said, trying to change the subject. “I know it’s Emile’s turn to host the Christmas party, _but_ my parents are _dying_ to upstage my aunt with this massive thing so if anyone wants to be my fake boyfriend only to later admit his undying love for me, hit me up.”

“You read too much Fanfiction,” Virgil said.

“You don’t have the last name Draco without reading a little Drarry, okay? Suck my dick.”

“At least let me fake date you first.”

“Pretty sure that’s Remy’s job,” Logan said, hiding a smirk as the rest of the table settled into an awkward tension. Everyone except for Patton, who had been stuck in awkward tension from the moment he sat down.

“Sit your asses down,” Narcissa commanded. Afraid of her fury, Roman and Logan were quietly sat down in milliseconds.

“When is it?” Virgil asked, reaching to steal another piece of Patton’s muffin but laughing as his hand got swatted away.

“The twenty-third. Technically starts at six but I need you there about two hours early so my parents don’t make me do chores.”

Emile laughed, “There’s the Narcissa we know and love.”

“Semi-formal dress,” she continued.

“I’ll try my best,” Virgil said. “But I’m not going to confess my non-existent love for you.”

“That’s fine, you can confess to me your undying love for someone else,” she teased.

“Oh no, hide me!” Patton yelped, diving behind Emile. “My dad is here.”

“Are you not supposed to be here?” Logan asked.

“No, it’s just… He’s Dad,” Patton explained. “And I do _not_ have the emotional stability to introduce him to- oh snickerdoodles he’s looking right at me.”

As he walked towards them, Virgil, Roman, and Logan began to realize Patton looked a considerable amount more like his mom. The rest of the group, however, recognized that bright smile as being perfectly Patton patented.

“Hi Dad,” Patton said, slowly rising from behind Emile’s ass.

“Patton, you told us you’re at Emile’s house,” Larry said with a forced smile that made Patton’s stomach drop.

“We wanted to support our chorus friends, Mr. Hart,” Emile explained with the innocent smile that could charm any adult. Sometimes they all wondered if it was rehearsed. “I hope that’s alright, they only have so many performances.”

Larry let out a sigh that only Emile and Patton were able to detect as he still tried to maintain his polite composure. “That’s no problem, Emile. Although I would think my _son_ would introduce his friends to me.”

“Right, shoot, um.” Patton cleared his throat. “Dad, this is Emile’s boyfriend, Remy.”

“A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hart,” Remy said, so clearly trying to imitate Emile’s polite and innocent smile but just as clearly failing.

“This is Virgil, Roman, Logan, and Narcissa.”

They all exchanged greetings and awkwardly tried to go back to their phones and pastries. Larry relaxed his posture slightly and turned towards Patton. “You can go back home with Emile if you’d like, or find me when you want to go home, but you need to text us when you go out. We gave you a phone for a reason, we expect you to use it for that reason.”

“Yes, Dad, I’m sorry,” Patton said. Larry ruffled his hair and smiled.

“No need to be sorry, Kid, just have a good time with your friends. And text me what your mom wants for Christmas.”

“Blue yarn and a fourteen karat necklace from the jewelry store down the street.”

“You’re the best, kiddo.”

“I know, Dad.”

**+++**

Patton had never been one to fall asleep easily, but when he finally got to his bed at nearly midnight he crashed, eyes shut and breathing steady within near seconds. _He drifted off to sleep…_

He found himself in a large ballroom. Or maybe it was a cafe. Or a club. The distinction was unclear. Music filled the air and snow fell like sugar outside the windows. It was magical.

There were people everywhere, talking and dancing, but one particular couple grabbed his attention. It was as if they were glowing, a green outline around the man and a yellow halo around the woman he sat with. sat with. Suddenly the room dimmed and there glow was the only thing standing out against a crow of gray. They clasped hands and ran out of the club. Patton was only able to get a small glance at the man of grey before he found himself running in the woman’s place. He looked up at the hand clasped against his as they ran into an alley outside of the club. Patton looked up and there was Roman.

“Roman?” Patton asked, watching the rise and fall of his chest as he gasped for air. He remembered the cave and how he had been gasping.

“He’s coming,” Roman said, voice deep and not quite human. Dancers spiraled past with a hurricane of papers and Roman disappeared into the wind. Patton grabbed at one of the flyers. It was a missing person report but with the name and picture scratched out.

A dark figure loomed over him, casting that same grey shadow that seemed to diminish Patton of any color. When he turned around the man’s face was blurred but he could see the focus in his eyes. He reached forward to grab hold of Patton.

Patton sat up in a cold sweat, heart racing as his eyes adjusted to the darkness around him. He reached up to feel his face and make sure it was still human. He fell back against the bed in relief, the sheets were soaked in sweat, and grabbed for his phone to check the time.

Just past five in the morning.

His mind was racing and his heart was close in second; he didn’t see the point in going back to sleep. He slipped out of bed, pulling a sports bra on over his head as he fumbled with turning on a lamp. “Sorry, Jack,” he apologized sleepily as he picked up the old teddy bear from the floor and returned him to his home on the bed. He slid his glasses onto his face and let his vision adjust to the light around him.

He took a seat in his office chair and grabbed a journal and pen. He flipped past pages of notes on philosophy and began to write everything he could recall. He wrote in a blur, blue ink spilling onto his fingertips. He wrote until his hand was cramping and his legs were going numb from staying too stagnant. He wrote until sunlight peered from his room. By the end, his notebook was filled with more questions than answers.

_Who was the grey man?_

He put his writing things away.

_Who was that couple?_

He got ready for school, opting not to deal with putting on his binder. He slipped on an old black hoodie and matching sweatpants. Today wasn’t a day to worry about appearances; today was a day for answers.

_What were all the colors for?_

He slipped on his shoes with one hand and brushed his teeth with the other.

_Did I get drugged? This seems like a drug trip._

He tried to continue getting dressed.

_Maybe I should go to the hospital._

He ran out of the house to the bus stop, cold air stinging his throat but he had no time to slow down. He was full of energy and questions to be answered. He needed to find Logan.

Instead, he bumped into Emile. Emile who _definitely_ had a new hickey. “Do you know where Logan hangs out in the morning?”

“Dude, I don’t think Logan even _exists_ in the mornings,” he said. “I have a theory that he only exists in Virgil’s mind until lunch.”

“That’s pretty gay, Emile.”

“Thank you, I know,” he said. “Are you taking the bus? Roman usually picks me up here, I’m sure he won’t mind an extra person.”

“Roman,” Patton repeated, green and poison spilling from his mouth. “That’ll be great, thank you.”

Just on cue, Roman pulled up in an old Jeep, honking with a wave. “Hey, Patton!”

“Patton’s hitching a ride with us,” Emile said very matter-of-factly.

“The more the merrier,” he smiled. “Unless it’s Remy. You two are _not_ fucking in my dad’s car!”

“You’re being overdramatic.”

 _“Overdramatic?!”_ Roman gasped. “ _You_ didn’t have to clean the car after homecoming last year!” Patton made a face that looked like he was about to puke. “See? He gets it.”

Emile rolled his eyes. “It was _one time.”_

“It’s _my dad’s car!”_

“Please tell me this car is disinfected,” Patton pleaded.

“It is,” Roman confirmed, gesturing for the two of them to get inside, “plus we keep blankets back there in case anyone, uh, adds to the list of things I’ll never tell my dad about.”

“Like your tattoos?” Emile teased and Patton could see Roman freeze in the mirror.

“Just like my tattoos,” he repeated slowly before shifting out of park and into drive. He was completely silent for the rest of the drive.

When they got to school, Patton quickly reached out for Roman’s hand as soon as Emile was out of sight. His heart raced as he noticed all the tension Roman was still holding in. Was he okay? At all?

“Roman, are you okay?” He asked. “You seem tense.”

“The tattoos. Virgil, I-“ He shook himself out of his trance. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

He decided not to press the subject anymore. He knew first hand that pressing never ended well. “Do you remember the night I first- well, uh- you know?”

Roman looked down at his arms before bringing his focus up to his face. He traced his fingers under Patton’s eye. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” he answered, voice hardly above a whisper as if any other volume would cause him to break.

“That night I had a dream- a vision- and I wrote down everything I could remember. I felt like _He_ was trying to tell me something,” Patton explained. “And last night, I feel like he was talking to me again. I just can’t help but feel that this is all a sign.”

“Talking to you,” Roman repeated. He laughed. “Yeah, I think I get what you mean.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“I never meant to imply that you are,” Roman said. “Let’s-“ _talk to Logan-_ “talk later. Meet me behind the chorus room at lunch?”

“Sounds great,” Patton said, forcing a smile. “Sounds wonderful.” The warning bell rang dismissing them for class, they waved and went their separate ways as Patton’s stomach slowly fell like an anchor into the ocean.

**+++**

Patton hated his history class, but at least it was a chance to feel like a normal teenager for once. No spirits or visions. Just a history textbook and the slowly sinking fear that someone would notice that he had boobs. _Okay, nope, think of something else._ He continued flipping through his textbook. The spirits were immortal, weren’t they? He couldn’t help his mind from wandering. _I wonder if Morality has ever been through something textbook worthy._

“Psst, what’d you get for number thirteen?” a student whispered, leaning so far into the gap between desks that Patton feared he might fall.

“Twenty-first amendment- who are you?”

“Ah, thanks.” He went back to sitting like a normal person as he quickly jotted down the answer. He held out his hand and said with a smirk, “The name’s Seth- charmed, I’m sure- I just moved here.”

“Oh!” Patton smiled. “I just moved here over the summer! It’s great to not be the only new kid.”

“You’re new too,” Seth repeated. “Maybe we should explore the town together. Get to know it all and each other.”

“Oh, yeah, we- Oh. _Oh.”_

Seth winked and slid a piece of paper onto Patton’s desk before closing his textbook and walking away. Patton flipped the paper over and saw a phone number written in blue pen ink. He blushed and slipped the paper into his binder. The class bell rang and he had to quickly pack up his belongings.

Seth sent him a smile and his heart seemed to flutter.

**+++**

Roman didn’t like to wait. It was a simple fact that anyone more than five minutes late to one of his meetings would end up on his shit-list for a long time. And now, Patton was really pushing his limits. Twelve minutes into lunch. Twelve minutes and Patton, sweet Patton who brought lunch to school and didn’t need to wait in line to buy anything, was late.

Something was blocking the breeze behind him. “Leave me alone, Remy,” Roman barked. “I’m waiting.”

“Waiting?” Remy sucked in air through his teeth. “Lord have mercy on the poor soul who makes Roman Duke wait.”

“Fuck off.”

“Oof, someone’s pissed.”

“Don’t fucking test me, Dormir.”

“Oooh, we’re playing the name game! Fun!”

“Roman! Roman, sorry I’m late!” Patton yelled as he ran up to the two of them.

Remy patted Patton’s shoulder and stages whispered, “I’ll pray for your safety,” while Roman glared daggers at him.

“Fuck off, Remy!”

“Already looking for Emile!” he shot back.

Roman turned to Patton and sighed, trying not to show any of the anger that Remy had exacerbated. “You’re nearly fifteen minutes late. Any later and I would have assumed you forgot about me.”

“I-“ Patton tensed his shoulders and kept his eyes low. “I did, I’m sorry, but something happened and I’ve just been really scatterbrained and-“

“Yeah, great, sure, but we have to have a _serious_ discussion,” he scolded, gesturing to his tattoos, “and I can’t have you standing me up because your brain is a little fuzzy.”

“I got asked out! I- I think.”

“Okay, cool, but you also dreamt a _fucking prophecy.”_ Roman grabbed onto Patton’s shoulders. “You realize these things aren’t equal at _all_ right? Dear Lord, please tell me you realize this.”

Patton blinked for a moment and stood silent. Roman sighed and mumbled something along the lines of “these damn allos” as he dropped his posture dramatically.

“I have my journal at home,” Patton said. “It has everything I could remember from the dream in detail.”

“I can swing by your house around eight.”

“And Virgil and Logan?”

For a split second, something seemed to flash in Roman’s eyes. A green emerald shining through the coffee-brown color of his eyes. Patton’s heart raced slightly in nervousness. It was illogical to feel nervous, right? After all, nothing is frightening about a trick of the light. He stayed silent for a moment as if lost in thought. This only made Patton feel worse.

“Earth to Roman,” he said, waving his hand in front of Roman’s face.

“Wh- Right, hey, hi.” He cleared his throat. “Virgil has to work tonight and Logan is… otherwise preoccupied.”

“Preoccupied?”

“Uh, yeah, he’s always busy after school,” Roman lied. “Studying for some test.”

“After becoming a vessel for Knowledge, you’d think he would never have to stu-“

“Anyway!” Roman yelled, faking a cough. “Your place at eight, right?”

Patton blinked for a moment. Would his mother approve of him bringing guests over without permission? But he thought of the dream and Logan and Virgil. “Eight, on the dot,” he said and Roman was gone before any other arrangements could be made.

**+++**

Patton had been frantically pacing around since six and it was still hardly 7:30. Sure, Roman had been over before, but never alone! And the stakes were different then! They were- oh! Were they higher or lower?! It seemed like such an impossible question to answer. Everything seemed impossible these days when it came to _them._

He took a deep breath and centered his notebook and pen on his desk for what must have been the millionth time. His mom was calling him down for dinner but it was like all noise was being drowned out. He felt _detached_ as if he were there but not really. His head was heavy and pounding but he felt light and lightheaded all the same. His chest grew tighter. Was this an anxiety attack?

He hadn’t seen the smoke in a while. Frankly, he hadn’t seen it at all except for _that night._ Now it surrounded him, gently floating above his floor and furniture. It was almost comforting in a way as if the fog in his head was gone (though the pain still stayed, throbbing fully in his head). It was almost like standing in the midst of a dream.

He heard bells. Jingle bells. He saw magic and snow. Oh. Oh, how it was all so beautiful. His head throbbed like ice was piercing through his skull. Somehow he didn’t care. He was too joyous, laughter bubbling in his chest as sleep took over his eyes. _When was he ever this sleepy so early into the evening?_

“PATTON!” Two voices yelled and he snapped out of his trance, falling backwards as the fog disappeared. His head never hit the ground as he found himself folding back into Roman’s arms.

“Patton, can you hear me?” Larry asked. Patton only groaned in response. “DOT! QUICK! Something’s wrong with Patton!”

Patton couldn’t focus on anything around him. He couldn’t even open his eyes. All he could do was focus on his breathing as he listened to his mother’s footsteps, frantically running up the stairs.

“Is he wearing his binder?” Larry asked.

“Binder?” Roman quietly asked and Patton’s thoughts turned to a list of swears he would never dare say aloud. He wanted to cry and maybe scream. But instead, he stayed still- stuck- hardly able to move.

“No, I put it in the wash earlier when I saw he left it home.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Roman asked. He held Patton a little bit tighter.

“I- I don’t know, I’ve never seen him like this before- oh! We need to get him a doctor, Larry, go get the phone.”

“My mom’s friend is a doctor,” Roman said. He dug his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number, handing it to Dot to hit the ‘call’ button. “Tell him you know María Duke, he’ll take care of Patton.”

“Oh, thank you, Roman,” she said. “LARRY, HANG UP THE PHONE.”

And then Roman and Patton were left alone. Patton wanted to fight his weakness and get away, hiding behind his mom. But he was trapped here now. A few silent tears fell down his face.

“You saw something, didn’t you?” he asked. “I could tell something was wrong, but I don’t know what. I- Patton, you have to stay strong, okay? We need you. We can’t lose you.” More tears hit Patton’s skin, but these were not his own. Was Roman crying? Did he think Patton was going to die? _Was_ Patton going to die?

 _No,_ he told himself, _nothing bad is going to happen._

 _No,_ Morality told him, _you’re not going to die._

“Notebook,” Patton managed to croak out. “Desk… pen… notebook.”

“Forget the notebook, I’m worried about _you.”_

“But the- the dream-“ His argument was cut short by a coughing fit.

“Patton, it doesn’t matter. Not right now.”

“But-“

“He’s not answering and all the doctor’s offices are closed,” Dot said. “Oh! Oh, Patton, honey, you’re awake, oh thank goodness! Honey, we have to take you to the E.R.”

Patton let out a whine, falling further into Roman’s lap. “Mama, I don’t want to go.”

“Patton, you missed dinner and collapsed in the middle of your room with no warning. We’re going.”

Roman squeezed him closer, as if holding onto Patton would help keep him stable (and more importantly, _awake_ ). “I’ll be with you every step of the way, okay, Kiddo? We’re friends. And I take care of my friends.”

Patton sighed, too weak to do anything other than fall against his chest. “If anything goes wrong you’ll call Logan and Virgil, right?”

“I won’t let anything go wrong, not to you.”

Roman scooped Patton up into his arms and tried to keep him awake as the family scrambled into Dot’s old minivan. Both she and Larry issued apologies to Roman and told him he could go home, but he was insistent on staying by Patton’s side. As they rode, Roman kept their hands interlocked, circling his thumb over Patton’s skin as a comfort- but it was unclear if he were comforting Patton or himself.

When they parked at the E.R., Larry and Dot hurried inside to get the necessary paperwork while Roman stayed to help Patton.

“Wait,” Patton whispered, grabbing Roman’s hand before he could open the car door. “We need to talk.”

“Patton, I-“ Roman sighed. “Whatever you need.”

Patton wished he could say that time came to a stop. He wished everything played out in slow motion and that his whole world was about to change at that moment. (In all honesty, Patton didn’t know if his life could change any more than it already had.)

“I’m trans.”

“Oh, Patton,” Roman said, squeezing his hand, “you didn’t need to tell me that, but I’m glad you thought of me as someone trustworthy enough to confide in.”

“We, uh, we had to move… because of _me_ and-“

“Shh, shh, you’re getting yourself worked up, it’s okay. Just take a few deep breaths, you’re doing great.” He wiped a tear from Patton’s cheek. “You’re doing great, I love you. Now, why don’t you tell me about what happened before I came over? We’re all really worried about you but I have a sneaking suspicion this isn’t something you can tell your parents about.”

“There was fog,” he explained, “just like the night Morality and I first… met. And it was like a dream.”

“Write everything down in your notebook like a prophetic vision kind of dream?”

Patton let out a laugh, small and pathetic, but forced a bit of a smile nonetheless. “Yeah. I almost think it was the same dream just… well, I guess you _were_ there. So that’s sort of the same.”

“Tell me what happened, as much as you can remember.”

Patton explained every detail to the music playing in the club to the font size on the flyers. “And I think it’s a sign. Whatever is going to happen, we have to go through it together.”

“The flyers didn’t have a name? No hair color or anything?” Patton shook his head. That didn’t ease any of Roman’s worries. “Okay, okay,” he murmured, hardly above a whisper, “figuring this out is important to me.”

“I’m sorry you’re involved in all of this,” Patton said, “I really am.”

“It’s fine, I’m glad I’m here with you now.” He opened up the car door and helped Patton out, wrapping his arm around Patton’s waist and Patton’s arms around his neck. “I’ll call Logan and Virgil in the morning.”

“Wait, no.”

“No?”

“I, uh, think this is something we should keep between us. Just for now. Okay?”

Roman sighed and carried Patton into the E.R. “Okay.”

**+++**

The doctors had said Patton had collapsed of dehydration, but he and Roman knew better. Unfortunately, this meant that Dot was now constantly monitoring her son’s water intake.

Patton had been able to get a few more nights of peaceful sleep. But that didn’t mean it was smooth sailing. He had grown closer with Seth and was developing what could easily be considered a crush. He dreamt about being in his arms. It was soft and innocent… but there was always something lurking.

There were the grey shadows that had taken him. Storms of missing flyers. Snakes and storms. Caves and monsters. Suddenly his dream dates turned into something from Phantom Manor.

His handwriting got messier and the ink started smearing. He had been so careful, why was it all going wrong?

He sat outside of the school library, filling the empty pages of his chemistry notebook with questions, _questions! So many questions!_

“Hey, Pat!”

Patton screamed. “A LITTLE WARNING NEXT TIME?”

Narcissa laughed and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. “I’ve been standing in front of you for like twenty seconds, dude. How much warning do you need?”

“Sorry- Sorry, I’ve been kind of… out of it, lately.”

“You sleeping okay?” She asked, taking a seat next to him. He quickly put his notebook back into his bag.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Dude your eyes are _grey._ If you’re going to lie to me, at least wear makeup.”

“Take you swimming on the first date?” he teased, earning a light punch on the arm.

“I came here to formally deliver these. Emile, of course, has no style when it comes to invitations so I came to the rescue.” She handed him a silver envelope with a gold embossed seal. “Plus ones are allowed and also thoroughly judged so make sure it’s someone worthy of your time.”

“Someone worthy?” he asked.

She shrugged. “Virgil and Logan’s disapproval has saved me from many-a-bad relationships. And I’ll let you in on a secret, ‘kay?” She leaned in close and whispered, “There’s this kid in my English class, E.J, I’m bringing her around to see what everyone thinks. It goes well? I ask her out and see where it goes. Something goes wrong? You drop that motherfucker like a hot potato, bitch.”

“Just like that?” Patton asked.

“I know you’re new, but these guys are about as ride or die as it gets. I won’t say anyone will ever know what’s best for you, but these guys want you to be _happy._ If they don’t make you happy, they don’t make the cut.”

“Uh, yeah, cool, good to know.”

Narcissa ruffles his hair as she stood up. She swung her bag back over her shoulder. “December twenty-third, get ready kid.” She laughed and said with a wink, “It’s going to get wild.”

**+++**

It was another vivid dream. He was sat in Emile’s living room watching the snowfall outside the window. (Of course, since they lived in Florida this made no sense but Patton chalked it up to Dream logic.) He was leaning into Seth’s arms as they hummed a Christmas song together. A figure stood in the doorway, a bit taller than Patton himself, with a dull orange glow around her. A fifth spirit? Were there more of them out there?

He saw the others in the corner, but it wasn’t really them. They were monsters of smoke and color. In Logan’s place seemed to be a shimmering star, a _real_ star. In Roman’s place was a large paintbrush. _Creativity._ And in Virgil’s place was… _oh._ Oh dear. A large monster of smoke with large and twisty horns.

 _Fear. In his true form._ Patton had almost forgotten how terrifying he was. Fear looked towards him and Patton shivered, cowering back into Seth’s arms.

But Seth’s grip grew stronger and colder and suddenly he wasn’t Seth anymore. They were gone. Everyone was gone. No Fear or Knowledge or Roman. No orange girl. No air. _No air!_ The grip grew stronger, squeezing Patton’s neck between a forearm and a torso. He tried to fight back, tried to kick and scream but he could hardly move and screaming was completely out of the picture as his windpipe continued to get crushed.

“Ah, ah, ah, Morality,” the old man cooed, caressing the side of his face. “Don’t be a naughty girl. This will all be over soon.”

Patton woke up shaking and hyperventilating, tears already starting to stream down his face as he clutched his knees to his chest. _Don’t be a naughty girl._ He rocked back and forth desperately trying to soothe himself. A feeling in the pit of his stomach told him he couldn’t stay in bed much longer.

It was maybe an hour later when Dot found her son half passed out on the bathroom floor with spit on his chin and brown stains on his shirt. And this time, it didn’t take superpowers to convince her to let him stay home.

**+++**

Patton stayed home for the rest of the week. No one had heard from him in days. His hair was messy and his eyes were dark. His pale skin and slightly smaller frame made it look as if he hadn’t eaten in days.

Needless to say, Patton looked like shit when he opened the door. Virgil, who wore black slacks and dress shoes with a green button-down and red tie, stared back at him like Ebeneezer meeting Jacob. They stood there for a moment in deafening silence like a moment frozen in time. Eventually, Patton grew so tired he just forgot his manners. “What?”

“Roman said you went to the E.R,” he explained. “You look like shit, by the way.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“We’re all worried about you, Patton.”

“Your arm is purple.”

Virgil widened his eyes and looked down at his arm, shoving his hand in his pocket. He forced a laugh. “I was in the woods earlier, it’s a long story.” He cleared his throat. “You’re going to Emile’s party, right?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah. I just have to secure my plus one.”

“Ah. The all-mighty judging ceremony.”

Patton cringed. “Yeah, I really don’t like calling it that.”

“Hmm. Should have protested three years ago,” he teased, reaching out to ruffle Patton’s hair but pulling back when he noticed all the grease. “You, sir, need to take a shower.”

“Okay, Mom.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “What’s got you all dressed up?”

“Dinner at Narcissa’s. Her parents take the holidays a little too seriously so I’m here to help her actually have some fun.” He leaned in and whispered, “Plus, I might have some fun with their lights.”

“No, no. This isn’t a good time to be messing with… you know.”

“I’m not going to make their lamps explode, calm down.”

“Virgil, there’s-“ Something stopped him from explaining. “Just, please, act like a human being. Don’t let Fear have too much control.”

Virgil took a step back, looking up and down at Patton as if searching for any sign of an imposter. As if searching for scales. “Okay, Morality,” he bit. He still sounded like himself, but Patton knew better than anyone how spirits could speak of their own accord. “Good luck with midterms and don’t be late to Emile’s party.”

He left without another word.

**+++**

Normal. Patton just wanted to be normal. He didn’t want any more visions, no more fog, no more spirits. He dumped his bag on the floor under his desk as he sank into his desk. It was the last day before midterms. Somehow that stress made him feel a little bit better- in a much worse way.

“You seem tired,” Seth teased with a smirk.

“That’s putting it lightly,” Patton groaned but when he looked up at Seth’s face he couldn’t help but smile.

“You’ve been gone a long time. I was starting to think you were avoiding me.”

He forced out a laugh. “Trust me, you’re one of the only people I actually _wanted_ to see.”

“I’m flattered, really.”

“You should be,” he announced with a fake smile. “Listen, some of my friends are having this Christmas party on the twenty-third and I, uh, wanted to ask you to be my plus one.”

“Like a date?” Seth teased. “Oh. Oh, you actually mean a- _oh_ okay.”

Patton wanted to slam his head against the desk if he was sure even _that_ wouldn’t help his blush. _You wanted normalcy, Patton? This is what you hecking get._

Seth intertwined their fingers and smiled. “A date. I’d like that.”

**+++**

Could Patton go another week without a dream? No, no of course not. What is this? Normal, everyday life? Fuck that.

He was walking down an empty corridor, clad in the same blue tank top and purple shorts he had fallen asleep in. It felt familiar yet foreign, like visiting a high school you’ve never attended. There was a chill in the air as he walked down, only the sound of his footsteps and the muffled sound of someone singing behind him.

He stopped at a fork in the metaphorical road. “Who are you?” he called. “I know you’re out there! I know you can hear me!”

“Gotcha,” a woman said with a smile. She seemed to appear from nothing and stood directly at Patton’s side. She was tall, towering about a foot taller than him with heels, with dark brown hair pulled back into a bun. She had a few grey steaks and an aged face. She was maybe in her mid-forties. She had a scar extending from the corner of her mouth towards her cheekbone on the left side of her face. She smiled wickedly at the dark corridor and whispered, “This is for the 30s _and_ for Remus.”

“Remus?” Patton asked, but the woman was gone just as quickly as she had arrived. He was ankle-deep in that familiar yellow fog and he noticed the grey fog towards the left end of the hallway.

“Go. Show him what you can do,” the woman’s voice whispered. Patton raised his arms in front of him, as if by her silent command and watched as some of the fog solidified into yellow, foggy snakes that traveled down the hallways and chased after the grey fog.

Footsteps from the right hallway disturbed the fog, but their owner remained completely invisible. “Nice job, Patton,” Logan’s voice said. “Now let’s go, we have a job to do.” And the footsteps took off running, following the snake’s trail. The fog kicked up around his feet and clouded around Patton’s eyes. He blinked himself into the next part of the dream.

It was Narcissa’s party again and he was wrapped up in Seth’s arms. He rubbed Patton’s skin comfortingly with his thumb and hummed a gentle melody that Patton has almost recognized. It must have been from a movie from his childhood. But when he turned to see him, he realized it was Roman’s arms he was in. He jumped in surprise, falling out of Roman’s lap and into the void.

Why was Roman still there? Why was Roman _always_ there?

_Why was Roman in Seth’s place?_

**+++**

“Have a holly jolly Christmas! It’s the best time of the year!”

“Holy snickerdoodles,” Patton murmured, staring at Emile’s house. Sure, he had heard the _warnings_ that Emile’s family went somewhat overboard, but he didn’t expect the million-dollar light show in front of him (with speakers and everything!).

“I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer.”

“Holy shit,” Seth said. “You didn’t tell me your friends are loaded.”

“They’re not,” he said. “Well, except for maybe Roman.”

“Looks pretty loaded to me,” Seth said, walking in as Patton jogged to keep up.

The house was warm and smelled like cinnamon and hot chocolate. Just the way Emile always liked. He heard sounds and laughter from the living room but saw one girl passing through the kitchen.

“You must be Patton,” she said, pointing at Seth. He grabbed her arm and moved it in front of the real Patton. “Right! Sorry, nice to meet you. I’m E.J.” She stuck out her hand for him to shake and winked at Seth. “We’re in the same boat, you and I. Gotta kiss up, you know? Everyone else is in the living room.”

“What is she talking about?” Seth asked.

“I have no idea,” Patton lied. “C’mon, let’s go find the others.”

Pretty much everyone was snuggled up together on Emile’s L shaped couch. Emile was dressed almost formally, with a white button-down and brown plaid slacks, cozied up between his brown cardigan and Remy’s arms. Similarly, Narcissa and E.J. had been sitting with the legs overlapped and their shoulders pressed together.

This was all expected, of course, but what he did _not_ expect were Logan and Virgil. Logan had stated many times his distaste for physical affection and Virgil had constantly denied having any romantic feelings for his best friend, yet here they were with Logan clinging onto Virgil like a pillow and Virgil’s fingers running through his hair.

“We’re allowed to make fun of them, right?” Patton whispered.

“Oh, Remy already does,” Roman said, from where he sat alone at the end of the couch. He was the only one really “alone” that night. Patton day next to him, trying not to show any pity, and made room for Seth.

“Patton, you’re just in time,” Emile smiled. “We’re just starting up _Elf_! I know it’s your favorite.”

Patton’s face lit up with a smile as he buried himself further into the couch but kept his head forward. Movies with friends (and maybe someone more) it was perfect. Nothing was more normal than that.

(And unbeknownst to Patton, ever so fixated on the film, was the fond glance that Roman and Virgil shared, looking down upon him. Virgil gave a wink and Roman rolled his eyes, turning back to the movie as Virgil rested his cheek on Logan’s forehead.)

Once the film ended, Narcissa stood up abruptly and grabbed a hat and a microphone with a smirk. “And now,” she announced, “the _real_ fun can begin!”

“What- Seven minutes in Heaven?” Seth asked with a smirk, his hand slowly moving towards Patton’s knee.

Logan (more or less) subtly knocked into Seth’s side with his knee, sidetracking him from touching Patton. “That’s disgusting,” he announced, sitting up as if that would erase everyone’s memory of the past two hours.

“Yeah, even I have to agree,” Remy said. “I think we’ve had enough of that game.”

E.J. gasped and pointed at Remy. “THAT’S WHY I RECOGNIZE YOU!”

“What?”

“We made out in eighth grade at Jake Wilson’s Halloween party!”

Narcissa and Emile exchanged a glance as Virgil and Logan each forced a gag. “Will Remy ever stop being horny?” Roman asked.

Patton grabbed a magic 8 ball off of the coffee table and shook it vigorously. Without even looking down at the results he deadpanned, “Signs point to no.”

E.J. let out a loud laugh and leaned over to lightly punch Remy in the shoulder. “It’s okay if you’re confused, I went by a different name back then.”

“OH! Oh, you’re- _E.J._ Right. Yeah,” Remy slipped back into Emile’s arms and whispered, “Help me.”

Narcissa cleared her throat. “Anyway.”

A hush settled over the room as she presented the black hat the way a magician would before summoning a rabbit. “The rules are simple,” she explained, “drop a name and a song into the hat and watch the victim squirm under the spotlight.” She passed around notecards and a sharpie and put the hat on a table, grabbing Emile’s hand as the two ran off to go set up the karaoke machine.

Roman was the first to get the Sharpie and he was just as quick to hide his card from view as he wrote, but Patton had seen the V written in thick, black ink. He was somewhat worried for Virgil but mostly relieved for himself. When Roman passed him the marker he just passed it onto the next person. It didn’t seem fair to make someone else sing if he had no plans of doing so.

All notecards were folded up and placed in the hat as they all grabbed hot cocoa and settled in the living room. Patton and Seth day next to each other in an old bean bag, moving closer together.

Only to, of course, be separated by The Great Wall of Logan as he settled himself between them.

“You’re sitting on my arm,” Seth complained.

“Apologies,” he said without movement.

Narcissa pulled the first card out of the hat and smirked. “Now presenting, his majesty, Remy Dormir with his rendition of-“ she snorted, holding back a laugh. “Sorry, sorry, with his rendition of _Country Roads!”_

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“All hail the hat, Remy,” Virgil said with a smirk.

Remy grabbed the microphone, glaring at his cousin as Emile started the music. “You’re dead to me,” he said to Virgil. Emile pressed a kiss to his cheek and put a cowboy hat on his head as he started singing.

Of course, he couldn’t hold a grudge too long when the entire room exploded into a chorus of, “ _WEST VIRGIIIIINIAAAAAA MOUNTAIN MAAAMAAAAAA_ ”. (Logan, of course, sat still while yelling the lyrics in full monotone.)

The night went on with more laughter and embarrassment. At one point Narcissa only laughed as she pulled out a notecard. She grabbed E.J.’s hand and laughed as the two of them ~~screamed~~ _performed_ their rendition of _Bad Girls Club._

It must have been an hour and many torn note cards later when Roman himself did the honor of picking out a folded pink card and smirked as he read aloud, “Virgil Dormir with his rendition of _All I Want for Christmas_ dedicated to a special someone.”

It was the first time Patton feared that Virgil might actually _hurt_ someone. And he didn’t think the pain to be undeserved. He walked up to the microphone with all the energy and enthusiasm of someone being led to the gallows.

He was shaking and as much as he tried to look away, it was obvious that his gaze was locked on Logan. Logan was just as intensely focused on him. “I don’t want a lot for Christmas…”

Even when the group was dancing and partying, Virgil was still shaking and as nervous as ever. Patton could see the fog around him- a faint glow that told him _no one else can see me_ \- forming into horns above his head and growing around his silhouette. _Fear._

Roman tapped his shoulder and whispered, “Follow me into the kitchen.”

Patton did as he was told, closing his eyes as he passed by Remy and Emile eating each other like cannibals. He felt Roman’s hands on his, leading him away from the group. He opened his eyes and couldn’t help but blush at how close they were. When was the last time he had _real_ physical contact?

“Are you okay? You look distressed.”

“Is that your word of the day?”

“ _‘Chimerical’_ is, actually.”

“The dreams have… persisted. Sometimes they’re better. Others are worse. I can’t separate the past from the future anymore. I don’t know if I’m _me_ or-“

“Shh, Patton, it’s okay. Just tell me what you see.”

“You,” he admitted. “Sometimes others. I’ve seen Virgil a few times, Emile twice, and Logan once. Oh and E.J. But she wasn’t exactly herself.”

Roman’s eyebrows knitted together in curiosity. He pulled a pen out of his pocket and twirled it between his fingers.

“But you’re always there,” he confessed. “Every time except for once, I’ve seen you in my dreams. And every time _you’re_ there, a grey man isn’t far behind.”

“A grey man?”

“Yeah, everyone has these- these _auras_ , I guess. You’re green, Virgil is black, Logan is- Logan is _something._ And E.J was orange. I’m… not sure about her.”

“Go on.”

“And this _man_ it’s like he takes the color away from everything.”

“You’re dreaming about Anish Kapoor?”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Roman said. “It’s an art joke.” He grabbed a paper plate and clicked his pen, making a motion with his hand that told Patton to keep talking. Patton described the man as best he could while Roman scribbled. The artist picked up the plate and asked, “Is this him?”

Patton took off his glasses and blinked, his tongue turning to cotton as he nodded slowly. “How did you know? That’s… it’s _perfect.”_

“I’ve had some… inspiration, lately,” Roman confessed. “I’ve never seen this man in my life, I swear, but with some graphite, I can copy his every wrinkle and scar. It’s a little frightening, to say the least.”

“Trust me, I know frightening.”

“We should go tell Logan and Virgil, sounds like the song is over anyway. Virgil will want to be in the loop and I think Logan- I think _Knowledge_ \- is our best shot at figuring out who this man is.”

“Wait,” Roman said, grabbing Patton’s hand. He pulled him closer and whispered, “I think we should keep this between ourselves, just for now. Promise?” He held out his pinkie and Patton’s eyes landed on Roman’s tattoos, glowing a dim green that only he could see. “Patton?”

A million questions were racing about his mind like snow in a blizzard. All his dreams were flashing in his mind- no longer as prophecies but _memories._ Was Creativity- _Remus_ \- the reason he kept seeing Roman? What had that man done to him? Was that really Logan in that hallway or some vision of Knowledge? Patton wondered if pondering too much would make him puke again. The only thing that had been certain was Roman being by his side. He locked their pinkies together. “I promise.”


End file.
